


don't be kind

by incorrect19days



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, a bunch of idiots, the story was sadder then, this is two years old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-20
Packaged: 2019-04-25 16:19:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14382363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incorrect19days/pseuds/incorrect19days
Summary: “Why didn’t you tell me?” Zhan Zheng Xi asked.“Because I knew you’d act like this.”“Like what?”“Like an asshole! Why do you even care?”“You’ve just…”don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it“Really lowered your standards.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I rewrote a story from two years ago, when I joined the fandom and thought it would be fun to revisit it and see how my writing has changed and I'm actually pretty happy with how it turned out. The story was pretty different then and this was much more relevant.

Mo Guan Shan.

Mo Guan Shan should have taken a different route home. He could have happily gone the rest of his life without seeing that. You know the shitty part? The truly ridiculous part?

He’d been typing out a text to He Tian right then. The only reason he even looked up is because his dumb ass had stumbled over an imperfection in the concrete.

It’s one of those weird things, seeing someone you’d just been thinking about, a pleasant surprise. Seeing them like this though… not so much.

His pressed against another body, an arm around his waist, lips next to ear, a smile spreading across his face and blush creeping up his neck at their words.

Son of a bitch.

Shit, it’s not like he’d done anything to prevent it. He hadn’t said, much less done, anything he should have. He had no right to be… whatever it was he was at that moment. Angry? Jealous? Sad? Things he wasn’t great at dealing with on a good day. This wasn’t a good day.

He Tian and Jian Yi hung out, sure.They’d been friends friends for years, why wouldn’t they? He Tian was a notorious flirt and Jian Yi receptive to it, even if he didn’t know it.

No one couldn’t blame them for this. God knows the two of them had waited around long enough, anyone would have lost their patience long before now.

He must have stood frozen, watching them, for at least five seconds before forcing himself to keep walking. He’d had so many chances. An excess of chances, and he’d blown every one of them. He didn’t get to feel any of those things.

Even still, he wished he hadn’t seen the way He Tian held him, or the way Jian Yi curled his fingers in his hair, the way He Tian pressed his leg between Jian Yi’s thighs and the way Jian Yi responded by pulling him closer and placing a less than chaste kiss to his lips.

Mo Guan Shan walked with no direction, no destination beyond -away from all that.

He wondered if Zhan Zheng Xi knew.

When he was sure he’d made it far enough that they weren’t likely to stumble upon them, he found a place to sit and looked down at the message he’d been typing.

Select. Copy. Backspace.

The phone rang six times before Zhan Zheng Xi answered.

“What?”

“Can we meet up? We need to talk.”

—

Zhan Zheng Xi

Zhan Zheng Xi sat in silence for a few minutes, opening his mouth from time to time like he was going to respond but, ultimately, staying quiet.

“What are we going to do, Zhan Zheng Xi?” Mo Guan Shan asked.

His heart ached. Sure, he could sabotage it. It’d take three words.

But Jian Yi didn’t deserve that. He deserved to be happy. To have someone care for him the way he deserves. Zhan Zheng Xi hadn’t managed to step up so it was only a matter of time.

This was his fault and he knew it. And yet, here he was, drinking a beer with Mo Guan Shan in a dark, dingy bar, feeling sorry for himself, feeling betrayed.

He couldn’t pretend he didn’t know how Jian Yi felt about him but he’d managed to pretend he didn’t feel the same way for years.

He’d passed up every opportunity, every perfect moment, and watched Jian Yi’s heart break every time and hated himself for it.

He tried to tell himself he was mad because Jian Yi didn’t tell him about it, but he knew why.

Zhan Zheng Xi wouldn’t have been supportive. He would have made Jian Yi feel like an idiot, he would talked shit, he would have ruined it.

Maybe he didn’t need to do that this time. Maybe he should let him be happy.

He could give himself all the good advice he wanted, but he’d still be an asshole.

“I think I have an idea.”

—

Jian Yi/He Tian.

Two months ago, Jian Yi got a call from He Tian.

‘He Tian, what’s up?’

‘What are you doing today’

‘I don’t have any plans, why?’

‘I was thinking about going to the movies. Do you want to come?’

‘With you? To the movies?’

‘Yes.’

‘Like…’

‘Like a date.’

‘You want to go on a date with me?’

‘What are you not understanding about this?’

‘The part where you asked me on a date.’

‘This is stupid. Do you want to do or not?’

‘What about…’

‘What about Zhan Zheng Xi?’

‘…yeah.’

‘Are you two a couple.’

‘I mean…’

‘Yes or no?’

‘No.’

‘Then what’s the problem?

‘I don’t know, it’s just weird.’

‘Is it weird because I’m asking you or because you’re afraid of what Zhan Zheng Xi would say?’

‘Both.’

‘I know. I get it. I really do.’

‘So why aren’t you pursuing that?’

‘You know why. Because it’s fucking pointless.’

‘Why?’

‘Because he’s as difficult as Zhan Zheng Xi and I’m sick of waiting around and hoping he’ll start giving a shit. I’ve watched you and Zhan Zheng Xi for, what? Fifteen years?’

‘Something like that.’

‘There’s only so much you can do. We don’t owe them anything, Jian Yi. We can sit around and bitch about it, or be can have some fun. So?’

‘You’re right.’

‘I know.’

‘What time is the movie?’

—

He Tian.

He Tian had been hesitant at first, asking Jian Yi out. He knew he’d be weirded out at first, and would probably take some convincing.

He’d tried not to think about the possibility of being turned down. Mo Guan Shan aside, it was a rare occurrence. He had to admit he was feeling a little vulnerable. He wasn’t exactly accustomed to that.

After the expected convincing, Jian Yi agreed to go to the movies with him. It could be fun. He’d been wanting to see this movie for months and Jian Yi was fun to be around when he wasn’t pouting about Zhan Zheng Xi.

He didn’t know what possessed him to say it was a date, that hadn’t been the plan, but he couldn’t deny the jolt in his stomach when Jian Yi said yes.

They met at the theater.

He Tian felt uncharacteristically jittery and nervous. And by uncharacteristically he meant- this shit never happened to him. Never. He wasn’t quite accustomed to that either. He felt more like a teenager than he had when he was an actual teenager.

Jian Yi broke the ice by making him play a silly game with their hands while they waited in line. It works like this- one person holds their hands out, palm up. You place your hands, palm down, on theirs. The goal is for the person with their hands on the bottom to pull their hands out and slap the back of the hands palm down. He Tian played horribly and Jian Yi loved it.

By the time they reached the front of the line they were both smiling like idiots.

They choose seats as close to the middle of the theater as possible. According to He Tian those were the best seats and he couldn’t be argued with when Jian Yi pushed for the back of the theater.

Jian Yi wasn’t big on horror movies. He’d told He Tian he hated the feeling of going home alone and trying not to think about it. Right now, though, he wasn’t alone, and He Tian hoped he felt that.

There was a quiet, tense, moment in the movie and Jian Yi leaned forward in his seat, completely invested. He Tian jabbed a finger into his ribs, cackling when he yelped loudly, eliciting rude looks and shushing sounds from their fellow moviegoers.

Jian Yi smacked his arm and He Tian grabbed his wrist, preventing him from pulling his arm back. Jian Yi looked at him, puzzled. He Tian looked back, releasing his wrist. Jian Yi’s lips twitched into a smile and wound their fingers together.

They were both grateful for the dark of the theater, and they’d both be lying if they said they knew how the movie ended.

He Tian walked Jian Yi to the bus stop. They held hands .

Jian Yi stopped several yards short.

“I’m going to walk home.”

He Tian raised his eyebrows.

“Are you sure? It’s kinda late.”

“It’s fine.” Jian Yi assured him.

“It’ll take at least half an hour for you to get home.”

“I could use the fresh air.”

“Do you want me to walk with you?”

Jian Yi shook his head. “It’s fine. You live in the opposite direction, it’d take you forever to get home.”

He Tian didn’t know what to say. He knew he was acting weird, but didn’t know how to stop. Is this how it feels to worry about someone? It’s awful.

“Ok. Have a good night.” Smooth.

He’d walked for a minute or so, cursing himself for not knowing how to do any of this, when he heard footsteps approaching rapidly and turned, ready to say something, to apologize.

Jian Yi studied his face. He Tian didn’t know what he was looking for, but he hoped it was there.

Jian Yi stepped forward, tentatively placing a hand on his shoulder, and kissed him. It was sweet and soft, and over too soon.

“Text me when you get home.” Jian Yi told him.

He Tian couldn’t bring himself to do anything but nod stupidly and watch him walk away.

—

Jian Yi felt guilty.

Well… not guilty, necessarily.

He felt guilty for not feeling guilty. Is there a word for that?

He couldn’t believe that happened.

He couldn’t believe he went on a date with He Tian. Couldn’t believe they’d held hands while they watched a movie. Couldn’t believe he’d kissed him.

How had he let this happen?

.

He’d had fun tonight, that went without saying. It was just unexpected, to say the least. He’d figured he was making a mistake the second he agreed to this.

At the very least, He Tian was bored and needed someone to fuck with. At most he was trying to make Mo Guan Shan jealous. Really, that was a pretty solid plan if he looked at it from He Tian’s twisted point of view. His texts had seemed pretty sincere. He’d made some good points. Maybe there was more to it.

If it was the second thing, it’d probably work for He Tian, Mo Guan Shan had a short fuse and didn’t hide his feelings as well as he thought he did.

If Zhan Zheng Xi found out, it’d be a different story. He’d torture him about it relentlessly, but he wouldn’t be jealous.

It wasn’t a bad date, as far as dates go. He Tian had met him at the bus stop. He’d been on edge until he saw how nervous He Tian was.

He taught him that hand slapping game, smiling when he lost every single round. He realised he’d never seen He Tian laugh, not really, and found himself desperately wanting to make it happen again. To make his eyes light up again.

The movie was interesting. He hadn’t planned on seeing it, he wasn’t big on thrillers. He Tian poking him in the ribs at the climax of a tense scene really cemented that for him.

He leaned back in his seat with an exaggerated scowl and smacked him on the arm. He Tian caught his arm, turning to look at him.

Jian Yi’s instinct was to pull away. Not because it was He Tian touching him, but because he was so used to being rebuffed, it shocked him when someone actually wanted to touch him.

The realization hit him hard. He felt his throat constrict as he twisted his fingers around He Tian’s.

Touching someone made him feel guilty because his usual counterpart disliked the contact with him. Any contact with him.

That’s a little bit fucked up, isn’t it?

He smiled, hoping it didn’t look as unsure as he felt, and gave his hand a squeeze. Maybe it was ok to feel like this, just for a little while longer.

They’d held hands as they walked out of the theater and made their way to the bus stop. The fluorescent lights and plexiglass walls looked foreboding and unpleasant. 

He’d just walk, it wasn’t far and the fresh air would do him good.

Assuring He Tian he was fine, he tried to pin down his expression, his body language. They said their uncomfortable goodbyes and walked in opposite directions. .

Jian Yi walked for a minute or so before it hit him and he stopped in his tracks.

Oh, shit. He Tian felt rejected.

By the time he reached him, he was out of breath and searching for words, only to find he didn’t have any. He wanted to apologize, but maybe he wouldn’t have to. Maybe it wasn’t too late. He couldn’t make anyone feel like that.

He didn’t remember the moment he made the decision to kiss him, just that it had felt like the right thing to do, the only thing to do.

When he stepped back, he relief on He Tian’s face made every second of this evening worthwhile.

“Text me when you get home.”

He spent the walk home lost in thought, trying not to think about how stupid he was probably being.

Finally locking the door behind him, he dropped onto the bed, covering his face with a pillow and sighing deeply.

‘Text me when you get home.’ How demanding had that shit sounded? Did he take it as ‘because I want to make sure you’re alright’ or ‘Because I want to talk to you again tonight.’

He spent a few minutes trying to calm himself when his phone went off in his pocket and his breath caught in his throat.

The name that flashed across his scree wasn’t one he’d normally be happy to see.

“Get home ok?” He asked He Tian.

“I’m not home yet, it’s just dangerous to walk and text.”

Jian Yi smiled. “Good looking out.”

He Tian laughed softly and said “The movie was pretty good.”

“Surprisingly so.” Jian Yi agreed.

“Thanks for coming with me.”

“Thanks for inviting me.”

“Maybe we could do it again.”

Jian Yi was glad no one was there to see him smile and fall back against the mattress.

“How about tomorrow?”

—

Zhan Zheng Xi.

The worst part of this so far?

Jian Yi doesn’t touch him anymore.

There was always that initial hug and playful roughhousing and the like, but it wasn’t like it used to be.

He didn’t try to hold his hand, or sit on his lap. He didn’t try to get Zhan Zheng Xi to carry him of throw his arm around his shoulders when they walked.

He shouldn’t be surprised. He always shoved Jian Yi off, acted like he hated it even when he didn’t. He hated himself for it, but he didn’t know how to stop.

He was so used to telling himself and everyone else he wasn’t gay because of the assumptions brought on by Jian Yi’s behavior. He’d fought it for so long. He didn’t realize how much he’d miss it.

Jian Yi wanted affection and Zhan Zheng Xi rarely hugged him back. It made sense that he’d seek it elsewhere.

He thought about the way Jian Yi touched him. How he held his hand, played with his hair, rested his head on his shoulder, and felt sick thinking about someone else touching him that way.

But it wasn’t just that, was it?

Mo Guan Shan had seen them kissing. God knows what else they’d done. He couldn’t shake the mental image of He Tian’s hands on Jian Yi’s body, his tongue in his mouth.

He was such a fucking cliche.

The only time Jian Yi had kissed him, Zhan Zheng Xi had hit him. But that was years ago. Seven years to be exact.. Seven years where nothing changed. Seven years that Jian Yi didn’t give up on him.

He hated thinking about it, but it was true. He’d always had Jian Yi to fall back on when a date went badly. That must have been agony for him.

Zhan Zheng Xi knew Jian Yi was in love with him. He’d have to be blind not to see that. And here he was, stringing him along year after year, occasionally getting his hopes up.

He knew he took Jian Yi for granted. He always had and he always told himself he’d make it up to him someday.

He’d fucked up.

He’d fucked up so badly.

Maybe, just maybe, he could fix this.

“I think I have an idea.”


	2. Chapter 2

Jian Yi

The restaurant was nice. Like, half his paycheck nice. He’d balked at the prices and He Tian suppressed a chuckle.

“Don’t worry, it’s on me.” He’d been going for casual confidence, but words came out too fast and it sounded more desperate.

“Well, aren’t you the gentleman.” Jian Yi teased lightly.

“I have my moments.”

Jian Yi smiled and He Tian smiled back. It was a nice moment, interrupted by the waitress knocking Jian Yi’s water onto his lap while delivering the check. He’d tried to assure the poor girl that it was totally fine, no harm done.

He Tian laughing across the table was distracting and when Jian Yi kicked him he jerked away, bumping the table and spilling his own glass. It was an absolute shit show and they left the restaurant in hysterics.

They stood outside, skirting around the possibility of a kiss or an invitation home, the condoms burning a hole in Jian Yi’s pocket.

“Do you want to… maybe, um… I mean, I was thinking…” Fuckin’ smooth, Jian Yi, keep it up.

He Tian, thankfully, put him out of his misery, reaching for his hand and giving his fingers a squeeze. “Come home with me, Jian Yi.”

Jian Yi squeezed back, a hint of color on his cheeks.

“I’d love to.”

They walked the few blocks to He Tian’s apartment in a slightly nervous silence. Well, Jian Yi was nervous, He Tian’s face was carefully blank.

The space was large and sparsely decorated. There were half full boxes scattered about, the mattress and box spring sat on the worn wooden floor, the sheets and comforter rumpled. Jian Yi would have assumed he’d just moved in, but he knew it had been at least six months. It was open floor plan, vaguely compartmentalized with furniture. There was an entertainment center against one wall with a couch a few yards away. A small table with four chairs to the left of the kitchen. The only room that was completely separated was the bathroom.

They stood in the entryway, Jian Yi looking around the room, He Tian watching him carefully and asked, “Do you want to watch a movie or something?” Jian Yi hesitated for a few moments, cracking the knuckles of his right hand with this thumb. “Not really, no.”He Tian bit back a smile. “Good.”

Jian Yi followed him to the bed and spent several long moments wondering if this was really happening while He Tian synced his phone with the bluetooth speakers and picked a song. He Tian placed his hand on Jian Yi’s thigh and they met in the middle, carefully navigating their second kiss.

He’d only kissed a handful of people in his years and his heart tried to escape his chest as he doubted his skills in the shadow of He Tian’s. He Tian, however, didn’t seem to have any complaints. He cupped Jian Yi’s cheek, leaning in to deepen the kiss and groaning softly. Spurred on by that, Jian Yi broke the kiss and moved to straddle He Tian’s lap.

-

He Tian

He Tian looked up at him, a question on his lips. Mustering confidence he hardly felt, Jian Yi smiled and pushed him back on the mattress. He hadn’t told He Tian he was a virgin, but he imagined he’d figured it out. He didn’t laugh when Jian Yi struggled with the buttons on his shirt, his hands shaking. He Tian sat up and rolled Jian Yi onto his back, pulling his own shirt over his head before making quick work of Jian Yi’s and leaning down to kiss his neck softly as he worked both their jeans open.

He Tian stood, stepping out of his own pants and working Jian Yi’s off, dropping them into the growing pile of clothing at his feet. He motioned for Jian Yi to move up farther onto the mattress set about looking for a condom. “There’s one in my jeans.” Jian Yi told him, smiling at the look of surprise that flashed across He Tian’s face, a small slip of composure as he fumbled with Jian Yi’s pants.

Jian Yi held his hand out to He Tian, who wasted no time crawling between his legs and bent down for another kiss. Jian Yi yelped when long fingers wrapped around his cock. “Your hand is FREEZING!” He Tian laughed softly, leaving a trail of kisses down Jian Yi’s jaw. “I guess you’ll just have to warm it up.”

Jian Yi’s laugh turned into a groan when He Tian tightened his fingers and set a languid, pace, stroking him in time with the soft, slow, song he’d chosen until Jian Yi was putty in his hands. Keeping hold of him, He Tian reached for his nightstand and fished a small bottle from the drawer. Jian Yi unconsciously tensed up at the sight and He Tian dropped it onto the mattress, hastening his strokes until he relaxed again.

“We don’t have to do this, Jian Yi.” He Tian said, pushing himself up and sitting back on his heels. “We can do something else, we can stop right now and watch a movie or play a video game…” Jian Yi shook his head. “No, I want to. I promise.” He Tian studied his face for a trace of doubt, finding nothing.

Taking a deep breath, He Tian grabbed the bottle of lube and lowered himself over Jian Yi again. He kissed every inch of skin he could reach, slowly spreading his thighs and reaching between them.

 

He started with one finger, whispering in his ear. “You’re doing so good, Jian Yi.” Another. “Deep breaths, try to relax.” One more. “Almost there, just a little bit longer.” It took seven minutes and every ounce of He Tian’s self control to make sure he was relaxed and ready.

He Tian ripped the wrapper open with his teeth, rolled the condom on, and watched Jian Yi’s face as he pushed in, one agonizing centimeter at a time. “Good job baby, just like that.” Jian Yi squirmed at his words, turning his head to hide the blush coloring his cheeks.

By the time their hips met, Jian Yi was panting and glistening with sweat. “Gorgeous.” He Tian breathed, watching him carefully as he began to move. He reached up to cradle Jian Yi’s head as he angled his hips, searching.

He cried out when He Tian’s cock stroked his prostate. He dug his fingernails into his shoulders and wrapped his leg around his waist, wanting to feel it again.

He was so pretty like this. His face flushed, his lower lip between his teeth, his eyes squeezed shut. He was so fucking pretty like this and it was because of He Tian. Because of what He Tian was doing to him. No one else had seen Jian Yi like this and he fought the urge to tighten his fingers in his hair, anchor his hips, and fuck him like his body was begging him to.

He didn’t. That wasn’t what tonight was about. If he played his cards right, there’d be plenty of time for that. This one had to be nice. This one had to be careful and gentle and sweet because those are things he hadn’t felt in years, things Jian Yi brought out in him.

Jian Yi lasted two minutes and thirty-six seconds. He Tian lasted two minutes and thirty-nine seconds. He was thankful for the condom, he wouldn’t have lasted half a minute without it.

He Tian woke up alone. The memory of Jian Yi’s warmth was fresh in his mind, but his sheets were cold. He wondered, with the increasing weight on his chest and freezing water pooling in his stomach, what he’d done wrong.

He rolled out of bed, grabbing his phone from the nightstand and making his way to the kitchen. He shouldn’t have taken it so far. He shouldn’t have pushed it, shouldn’t have listened when he said he was ready, shouldn’t have...

It took his sluggish brain several long moments to register the way this morning differed from the countless others he spent this way. The coffee maker hissed and burbled, half full, accompanied by two mugs. Steam leaked from under the bathroom door, spreading and dissipating on the cold concrete. The sound of running water was music to his ears.


	3. Chapter 3

Zhan Zheng Xi

Zhan Zheng Xi remembered the night he lost his virginity fondly… most of the night. He’d had three or five drinks with the sister of a friend and they’d ended up in her bed.

She was a year or so older, beautiful and kind. She’d known he was a virgin, even when he denied it so adamantly. She’d guided him through it in her own drunken way. She’d been gentle and kind and hadn’t laughed once when their teeth clashed. She’d rolled the condom onto him and pulled him into her slowly. She’d run her fingers through his hair and pressed soft kisses to his neck, letting him move at his own pace. She hadn’t even laughed when he’d finished embarrassingly quickly.

It was a lovely experience and he was glad he’d had it. She’d moved away for school but they’d kept in touch and still talk from time to time, meeting up when she’s in town.

After that, however, he’d been a grade-A fucking dickface. He’d gone back to the bar, high on endorphins and had a few more. He should have just gone home and gone to sleep. He shouldn’t have called Jian Yi.

In his right mind, he would have known better. He would have registered Jian Yi’s shock, heard the catch in his breath, the break in his voice when he told Zhan Zheng Xi he was happy for him. Thinking back on their conversation the next morning, he’d felt sick to his stomach in a way that had nothing to do with the memory of too much alcohol.

That had been two years ago and Jian Yi hadn’t brought up again.

-

Mo Guan Shan

He looked down at his phone. In the last week, he’d typed and deleted dozens of variations of the same text To He Tian. He couldn’t seem to bring himself to be that person. The person that jumps in at the last second and announces their feelings for someone who had, reasonably, moved on.

For fuck’s sake, He Tian was his friend. On several occasions he’d gone out of his way to get Mo Guan Shan laid. He wondered now what it has felt like to watch him walk away with one girl or another without so much as looking back.

The last time, a few months ago, he’d looked back. He Tian had sunk into a chair, running a hand through his hair and staring down into his drink. A tear traced a line down his cheek and dripped from his chin.

Mo Guan Shan came to the undeniable realization the he was treating He Tian the way Zhan Zheng Xi treated Jian Yi. He’d watched the two of them over the years. He’d watched Jian Yi strive for Zhan Zheng Xi’s attention, watched his face fall and shoulders sag when he turned away, focusing his attention on someone else.

He’d always wondered why Jian Yi kept trying when it was so obviously a lost cause when pursuing Zhan Zheng Xi only made him feel worse, feel more alone. The parallels were so clear, he wondered how it had taken him so long.

Over the years, he’d had countless chances to make things work, to figure it out, but he’d been so desperate to defend his heterosexuality or whatever else it had been keeping him so obstinate. He’d push him away, yell at him, treat him like shit, before going home and thinking about him while touching himself in the shower.

He’d turned it over and over in his head like a rock in a tumbler until he’d been unable to deny it. He had feelings for He Tian. 

He’d decided in that moment he was going to do something about it. He had it in his head that they’d meet up, he’d confess his feelings, and that would be the end of it. He Tian would be thrilled, finally having gotten what he’d wanted and they’d live happily ever after, something like that

He Tian and Jian Yi had waited so long, years of effort, wasted. If he was a good person, he’d have put the phone down, watched a movie, taken a nap, processed the information and come to the conclusion that this was for the best. He should have been happy for his friend. 

Maybe he’d have dealt with some jealousy in the beginning, but nothing he didn’t deserve. He could have moved on and they could all just be friends.

He wasn’t a good person. He’d deleted the text meant for He Tian, and sent one to Zhan Zheng Xi instead.

-

He Tian

This thing with Jian Yi had gone so much farther than he’d intended. It was supposed to one date, right? That’s what he’d told himself in the beginning.

But one date became two. A good night text led to a good morning text, a phone call on his lunch break, a flowing exchange of memes, a picture of Jian Yi shirtless that had caused He Tian to spit hot coffee all over his phone and hand.

Every time they hung out he felt more, every text made him care more, every touch made him want more. 

He was falling for him, there was no denying that, and it scared him to death. He loved the idea of being Jian Yi’s boyfriend, but he wasn’t sure he could manage it.

He was too flaky, too selfish, too careless. He’d fuck it up, that’s what he did best. He’d get someone’s hopes up and fuck them over. He’d comforted himself with his mantra: 

one day, for the right person. 

One day, for the right person. 

One day, for the right person’ 

And tried not to think about it.

Well, he told himself, here is the day and there is the person, so get to it.

With a sigh, He Tian checked his phone for the umpteenth time before tossing it onto his pillows and continuing to pace the small apartment.

Jian Yi was hanging out with Zhan Zheng Xi today and he was feeling something he refused to acknowledge as jealousy. It was stupid, there’s nothing happening between the two of them. Probably.

It’s not like they’d had a conversation about exclusivity. Several times, Jian Yi had alluded to the fact that he thought He Tian was sleeping with other people. Unfortunately, He Tian wasn’t good with those kinds of things and only realized much later what he’d been saying and figured it’d be weird to bring it up at that point.

He’d broken it off with the girl he’d been casually sleeping with after his first date with Jian Yi and hadn’t so much as thought about seeing anyone else. That’s not to say he thought Jian Yi was sleeping around, he wouldn’t care much about that, it was Zhan Zheng Xi that worried him.

Leading experts say nothing ruins a relationship like one party being in love with someone else.

He was scared of hurting Jian Yi.He was scared of putting it all on the table and finding he just didn’t measure up. Feelings are stupid, no wonder he’d avoided this.

But what if Jian Yi did want to be with him? If, knowing everything, he wanted this? He’d face those fears only to wonder if Jian Yi had settled for him. 

He could let the fear, frustration, and self pity chase each other around in his head all day and never get anywhere.

Snatching his phone from his pillows, he pulled up his most recent texts.

‘Can I see you tonight?’

-

Zhan Zheng Xi

Zhan Zheng Xi stood at the window staring down at where He Tian was leaning against the passenger side of his car. Jian Yi shoved the door open several floors below and headed for the parking lot, walking fast.

He Tian opened his arms and Jian Yi walked into his embrace. He Tian kissed his temple and opened the door for him before walking to the other side and sliding into the driver’s seat.

That hadn’t gone well. At all.

He’d spent the day with Jian Yi. They’d played some games, had a few drinks, and put on a movie. Things had felt almost normal.

Zhan Zheng Xi was sprawled out on the couch. Jian Yi sat on the floor, leaning against it a few feet from his head. It wasn’t until Jian Yi’s phone went off that things changed.

He had a perfect view of Jian Yi’s phone when he opened the message.

‘Can I see you tonight?’

He’d known it was happening, but some small, stupid, part of his brain had thought maybe Mo Guan Shan had been wrong.

He couldn’t see Jian Yi’s face when he read He Tian’s message, but he saw the corner of his lip curl up and the blush creep up his neck as he responded.

‘Of course!’

God damn it.

He groped for the right feeling. He wanted to be offended that Jian Yi was going to ditch him for He Tian, but remembered he’d told him he hadn’t felt like hanging out long and had needed to be convinced to have him over at all.

He felt cold fingers close around his heart as He Tian treated Jian Yi the way he should, should have, should always treat him.

He shouldn’t be thinking this, shouldn’t be looking at his messages like this. It was a private moment and he should be respectful of that.

A new message came in.

‘:)’

Two symbols saying he was happy that he was going to be seeing him. Zhan Zheng Xi’s last text to Jian Yi had been ‘fine’. He’d relented to having Jian Yi over with a sigh, He Tian had smiled.

Before Zhan Zheng Xi could stop himself, he said “He Tian, huh?”

Jian Yi jumped, his nice moment interrupted. “What?”

“I didn’t know you guys were really friends.” Zhan Zheng Xi lied.

“Yeah, we’ve been hanging out.”

“Really, just hanging out?”

Jian Yi glanced over his shoulder. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Cut the shit, Jian Yi. Mo Guan Shan saw you two in the park the other day.”

Jian Yi turned to look at him this time. “If you knew, why are you asking?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Zhan Zheng Xi asked.

“Because I knew you’d act like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like an asshole! Why do you even care?”

“You’ve just…”

don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

“Really lowered your standards.”

Fuck.

Jian Yi studied Zhan Zheng Xi’s face, maybe hoping he’d heard him wrong, maybe hoping he’d take it back. He didn’t look surprised or even angry. He just looked sad.

He pushed himself to his feet.

“Fuck you, Zhan Zheng Xi.”

He pocketed his phone and checked that he had his keys and wallet before letting himself out of the apartment.

-

He Tian

He Tian had no idea what to say. Clearly something bad had happened, but he didn’t know if it was his place to bring it up or if Jian Yi even wanted to talk about it. But what if he did and He Tian didn’t bring it up? That seems worse.

“Is everything ok?” he asked.

“Not really?”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Do you want to hear about it?”

Shit.

“Yes.”

“He knows. About me and you.”

He Tian felt a thrill run through him at the thought of Jian Yi telling Zhan Zheng Xi about the two of them.

“You told him?”

“I guess Mo Guan Shan saw us in the park.”

He had to laugh. Of course he did. Of course he had to be part of this.

“Well, that was a hell of a day. I wonder what he saw.”

“Enough, apparently.”

“Lucky man.”

Jian Yi snorted, but didn’t respond.

“So…” He Tian continued, “What happened?”

“So, he saw your text when you asked if you could see me tonight, and he was a fucking dick about it.”

“Ok… What did he say?”

Jian Yi hesitated “Just dumb stuff, it doesn’t matter.”

This was getting frustrating.

“What did he say, Jian Yi? It clearly upset you, I want to know.”

Jian Yi’s jaw clenched, his hands curled into fists against his legs.

“He just said I’d lowered my standards.”

His voice shook and he continued to stare resolutely out the window.

Jesus Christ. He and Zhan Zheng Xi had never been close, but that’s brutal.

“Do you want me to kill him for you?” He Tian asked. Jian Yi’s laugh was forced and bitter. 

He pulled off to the side of the road, putting the car in park. He unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to face Jian Yi, reaching for him and unbuckling his as well.

Jian Yi turned and He Tian pulled him into his arms, his heart aching as Jian Yi wrapped his arms around him.

“It’s ok, baby.”

They both froze. They hadn’t really gotten to the pet name stage of whatever this was and He Tian wondered if he’d just made things worse. Jian Yi pulled back, looking at him. He probably thought He Tian was fucking with him.

He Tian smiled softly never breaking eye contact. Several long moments passed before Jian Yi leaned in to kiss him, taking a fistful of his shirt as he parted his lips to deepen the kiss.

He Tian reached down, releasing the lever to push his seat back and pushed the armrest up so Jian Yi could crawl onto his lap. He kept one hand in his hair, pushing the other under his shirt, tracing gentle circles onto his back

The kiss escalated quickly. He Tian broke away only to reach down and push his seat back, giving Jian Yi space to crawl into his lap. He Tian slipped his hand under Jian Yi’s shirt again and he shuddered as he ran his fingers over his ribcage slowly. 

 

He Tian kissed his neck softly and felt Jian Yi begin to grow hard through two layers of denim. He pushed his hips up and Jian Yi rolled his in response, turning his head to give better access and winding his fingers in He Tian’s hair.

Trailing kisses from his collar bone to his jaw, he tasted salt.

Jian Yi was crying.

He was still thinking about Zhan Zheng Xi, even while kissing He Tian.

His heart sank at the revelation and he pulled back, Jian Yi’s tears on his lips. Patting his thigh in the universal ‘ok, get off me now’.

“We should probably get going.”

Jian Yi’s confusion turned to hurt and he awkwardly maneuvered himself back to the passenger seat.

“Do you want to get food or something?” He Tian asked.

“No, just take me home.”

“Are you sure? We could-”

“Take me home, He Tian.”

Jian Yi turned his head to look out the window, ignoring He Tian’s attempts to talk to him for the rest of the ride.

They pulled up to his building and sat in silence for a few long moments until Jian Yi shook his head and got out of the car, closing the door softly behind him. He Tian had half expected Jian Yi to invite him up like he normally would.

This wasn’t exactly a normal situation though. It was a shitty situation that had hurt Jian Yi deeply and he’d just made it worse by being an asshole. Same as it ever was.

He watched Jian Yi fumble with his keys, his shoulders shaking with sobs.

By the time he made it out of his car and to the door, Jian Yi had already let himself in the building. He called him, hoping to convince him to let him come up and tell him how very stupid he was and beg for forgiveness.

No dice.

He sent him a text saying just that and called again, ringing the buzzer all the while. Nothing.

God damn it.

-

Jian Yi

He finally made it up all the fucking stairs to his apartment and let himself in. He tossed his phone on the couch and sank down next to it, listening to it buzz along with the doorbell. He contemplated breaking them both.

Fuck them.

Fuck them both.

He let a few minutes go by before giving in and checking the many notifications.

6 missed calls and 5 texts from He Tian, all possible variations of ‘sorry’.

1 text from Zhan Zheng Xi. ‘I’m so sorry, that came out wrong. I really need to talk to you’.

Jian Yi closed his eyes, taking several deep breaths. He pressed one of the many missed calls from He Tian.

“Jian Yi, holy shit-”

“Go home, He Tian. I have something I need to take care of. I’ll call you later.” He hung up before he could respond. 

 

He called Zhan Zheng Xi next.

“Jian Yi…”

“Come over, we need to talk.”

“I’ll be right there.”

He put his phone back down, wondering if he was making the right choice.

-

Zhan Zheng Xi

Zhan Zheng XI all but ran from his house, nearly falling over trying to put his shoes on and fumble with his phone to text Mo Guan Shan.

“I’m going to talk to Jian Yi now. It’s either going to work out or go very, very, badly.”

“Good luck.”

-

He Tian

With a bitter taste in his mouth, He Tian watched Zhan Zheng Xi ring the bell and enter the building.

-

Jian Yi

He opened the door to an out of breath Zhan Zheng Xi and stepped aside to let him in.

They sat on the couch in miserable silence while Zhan Zheng Xi caught his breath and organized his thoughts.

“I’m so sorry, Jian Yi. I’m so sorry for all these years and all this time and you… I’m sorry that I knew and never did anything about it.”

Zhan Zheng Xi was clearly expecting a response, but when none came he was left scrambling for something more to say.

“I know you’ve loved me, I know you’ve tried to be with me, be close to me and I did nothing but treat you like shit and push you away.”

Jian Yi stayed silent.

“I’m ready for this, to be with you. Please forgive me. Please forgive me for being so fucking stupid. I want to be with you, Jian Yi.”

Zhan Zheng Xi looked at him, eyes were honest and pleading. Jian Yi looked back and after all these years found he felt…

Nothing.

“I tried so hard, Zhan Zheng Xi. I tried for years and got nothing from you.”

Zhan Zheng Xi opened his mouth to respond but Jian Yi help up a hand to silence him.

“The only reason you noticed me, the only reason you want to be with me is because someone got there first.”

Zhan Zheng Xi shook his head, his eyes rimmed with red. He didn’t respond, so Jian Yi continued, his voice thick and trembling.

“I can’t do this with you anymore. If I end what I have with He Tian to be with you, you’ll lose interest, I know you. I can’t do it. I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

Zhan Zheng Xi looked away.

“That’s it then? You’re choosing him over me? You’re choosing fucking He Tian over me?”

“I’m choosing the person who wanted me when no one else did. I’m choosing He Tian because he never made me feel like a safety net or last resort.”

“What if that’s what you are to him? What if he’s only doing this because he can’t be with Mo Guan Shan?”

“Why are you so determined to ruin this for me? Why can’t you just be happy for me like I’ve always been for you?”

“Because I want to fucking love you. I be with you, how can I sit back and watch you with him?”

Jian Yi choked out a laugh that came out more like a sob.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” Jian Yi said softly.

Zhan Zheng Xi stood and Jian Yi followed.

“What can I do here, Jian Yi?”

“Be my best friend.”

Looking down at his feet, Zhan Zheng Xi gave a small nod and turned to leave without another word.

-

He Tian

Zhan Zheng Xi didn’t seem surprised to see He Tian standing outside the door to the building. The regarded each other in silence. To He Tian’s bewilderment, Zhan Zheng Xi stepped out and held the door open for him. He looked as tired as He Tian felt.

“…Thanks.”

“Yeah.”

Well, alright then.

He runs up the stairs two at a time, stopping in front of Jian Yi’s door, steeling himself. Ok, here we go. Be a person and do one thing right one time.

Jian Yi answered the door on the second knock and let him in. He was talking before He could get the door closed.

“Jian Yi, I know you love him, I’m not going to pretend i don’t.”

Jian Yi opened his mouth to respond but He Tian placed a gentle finger on his lips, earning him a raised eyebrow and continued silence.

“Wait, I’ve been practising this for an hour, please let me get it out.”

Jian Yi nodded, pressing his lips together.

“After today’s conversation, I know it’s only a matter of time before he confesses his love and tries to win you over.”

Another nod from Jian Yi twisted his stomach in knots.

“That’s why he was here, isn’t it.”

More nodding. Fuck. What an asshole.

“Look, it’s great that he got his shit together and finally fucking noticed you, but I fucking noticed you first.”

Jian Yi bit his lip to keep himself from responding. It was adorable. Stop it, this is not the time.

“I’m sorry if you regret this, but I don’t. I don’t regret it at all.”

Deep breath, it’s now or never.

“I want you to choose me. Not to prove a point or to hurt him. I want you to choose me because I’m in love with you.”

There. He’d said it and there was nothing he could do but continue his speech and try not to throw up.

“I know it’s not what you’ve wanted and I know you don’t love me back, but maybe in time-”

Jian Yi kept his promise, he didn’t say a word. Stepping forward, he closed the distance between them and wound his arms around He Tian’s neck, pressing their lips together gently, hesitantly before pulling back and pressing their foreheads together.

“Can I talk now?” Jian Yi asked.

“One word.” He Tian said.

Jian Yi’s lips curled into a small smile.

“You.”


End file.
